My Breasts Might Not Feel You But My Heart Does

Posted on February 14, 2013

You might not be prepared to entertain this demon but at some point and time the issue of sex and feeling sexy will have to be addressed,  partner or not.  This is a very difficult subject and to be completely honest from my experience … sex and sexy go hand in hand.  How does a woman have sex and enjoy it if she doesn’t feel sexy?  Let’s take it one step further,  how does a woman feel “sexy enough” to have a beautiful sexual experience when she had to cut off her breasts?  Yep, there you go I put the sex questions out there.  Of course the answer to these questions will be different for every survivor,  however I do have some thoughts on the subject.  Self-Love has everything to do with great sex Breast Cancer or not… if you didn’t love yourself before the Breast Cancer you probably weren’t having great sex.  I know that is not what you want to hear but it is the truth.  I want to remind you this is not an easy experience for your partner either and I want to gently touch on that subject as well.  Not only do you have to work on self-love you have to work on the love between you and your partner.  Everyone deals differently and at different times,  however the way I see it,  you have to love yourself again in order to have great sex with anyone!  Be patient and know that it will take time to accept the changes you are dealing with and it doesn’t happen overnight.  To every partner of a Breast Cancer Survivor I have this to say to you, for you there is pain and loss as well,  however we crave for you to desire our bodies as you once did… and you need to know our breasts might not feel you but our hearts do… Happy Valentine’s Day.

What Could Possibly Be Worse Than Looking At Yourself Without Your Breasts?

For me personally I really had no clue what was about to happen to my life after the Breast Cancer diagnosis.  At this point everyone is supporting me so I know I will make it through this… or will I?  I know a question we ask ourselves all to often … or will I?  Well the answer is yes you will make it though , it will not be without damage.  I promised from day one that I would blog honesty first so if you can’t deal with this blog (and some of you aren’t ready) don’t read any further.  There is nothing, and I mean nothing in the world that prepares you for what you look like when you have a Double Mastectomy… and you ask what could be worse than looking at yourself without your breasts in the mirror?  Well I will tell you what’s worse, having to look at the face of your loved one’s when they see you without your breasts.  Not really sure I can come up with words to describe how black this feeling is.  I would say that it was one of those moments I will never forget for the rest of my life, not really the type of memory you want lurking around in the corner of your mind.  Why did I choose to write this? Because I think when we visit the very dark places of our Breast Cancer journey it frees us to move forward.  We have to somehow make good with this because we now have to walk around without our breasts for the rest of our lives on this earth.  At this time this is all I have to blog on this subject.

Oncologist Appointment Part 1 And Yes Breast Cancer Sucks!

The absolute worst appointment after my Breast Cancer diagnosis was for me the visit to the oncologist.  I was so anxiety ridden with fear and apprehension at the thought of having to listen one on one to what was about to happen to me.  Fear of the unknown at some point and time  plagues all of us and this was my time.  I can’t think of any instance in my life that I was more helpless.  From the beginning I had a bad feeling about the hospital I was at, I didn’t feel there was a smooth connection between the doctors.  I felt like a number and not a person however,  instead of saying stop I kept up with all of my appointments and pushed the bad feelings aside because I wanted this tumor out of my body and why waste more time? When I arrived at my first appointment my test results were not at the oncologist office so I couldn’t get the answers I  came for.   The nurse was so cold I thought I saw icicles hanging from her nostrils,  she could have cared less that I had cancer.  And the doctor?  He had the most annoying voice I have ever heard in my life, now I really hated him.  You don’t have my test results, your voice is annoying and your head nurse is a bitch, not such a great start seeing as how we are going to have a long relationship together.  If you have anticipation about your first visit to the oncologist this is perfectly understandable.  Bring a person of support with you to your appointment, they will help you filter your thoughts and what was actually said after the visit.  But the message I hope you walk away from this blog with is this,  spread the word to every woman you know when diagnosed with Breast Cancer you have choices and options on where and who will work on you.  This is a personal crusade of mine, to educate women.   As I continue to tell my story you will see how relevant this message is.

A Purpose For The Pain

I  have this question always lurking in the back of my mind, when will my life go back to the way it was?  I know realistically that isn’t going to happen yet everyday my mind starts going over things, things I could have done differently, what if,  you know the typical thoughts any Breast Cancer survivor has, everyday.  Yes I said everyday, at least for me so far.  Why is it so difficult to accept that things are never going to be the same?  What does it take to see beyond that damning thought of going back to life the way it was before cancer? I’m not there yet… The fact that  I brought pain and unhappiness to people I care about is so disturbing to me.  To think that I brought black to anyone’s life is a terribly ugly thought to process in my brain,  doesn’t matter that it wasn’t on purpose, I still own it.   I know it’s just another hurdle the Breast Cancer brings with it and so I want to acknowledge it, like I acknowledge everything related to Breast Cancer  in the hopes that someday it will go away.  In the meantime to all of the people in my life that have been hurt and crippled from my Breast Cancer, I am sorry.  I know each person I have hurt, and the specific pain I have caused them.  I will carry this with me forever and I can tell you the pain I’ve caused is by far greater than any pain I have felt due to the Breast Cancer.  And so everyday I ask God to use me to change the world of Breast Cancer,  I ask Him to give me a greater purpose than the pain Breast Cancer has caused me, so at the very least, on some small note I might change a little piece of the world before it’s time for me to leave.

Oh How The Vision Changes After Breast Cancer

For most of us Breast Cancer has been an eye opening experience in more ways than one.  There is so much being thrown at you, none of it good, your head is spinning, your heart is pounding … but you carry forward because you have to.  Somewhere in all of the Breast Cancer bullshit there are a few rainbows and one of them is a clear vision.  Breast Cancer somehow empowers us to see things for what they really are,  nothing more nothing less.  Let me take this one step further there is no longer any gray area for us.  We’re either friends or were not,  no time left for meaningless banter or sitting around wasting time with people who haven’t really learned what life is all about.  It’s like a rainbow of knowledge is bestowed upon us and as a result our gift is learning to enjoy each moment to the fullest.  Time is precious and if you don’t think so ask anyone who’s ever been diagnosed with cancer. I think it’s one of those things that you just don’t get until you go thru it, even people that were close to me that saw me sick still don’t get it. Guess it’s like having a child, you just don’t get what it’s all about until you have one of your own.  I think all women that have battled Breast Cancer should embrace this gift of knowledge!  Use it to rise to a new level in your life, one that will lead you to make better decisions about all things.  For me it’s this gift of knowledge that just might change my life for the better and yes that’s post Breast Cancer.

There Are 365 Days In One Year For Everyone …

You know after Breast Cancer your concept of time changes, you have a better understanding of just how important time is, it’s no longer … oh I’ll do that next year, or I’ll visit family next year because for cancer survivors next year is the now, the right here, right now!  To be completely honest the furthest I can look into the future is my next oncologist appointment  …  because passing all of those nasty  tests means yep you get more time.   Now, all of a sudden the concept of one year takes on a whole new meaning don’t you think?   A birthday?  Priceless, ask anyone that walks this earth as a survivor, we’re all very happy to add that year onto our age.  Even more priceless, I got to be here to see my daughter turn 18 this year.  That vacation the one I could push off until next year,  guess what I’m taking it, not next year, this year and that would be Jamaica or Belize … I want to acknowledge that the caregivers and doctors do have a concept of how precious time is they are a captive audience so to speak,  however unless it’s you diagnosed with a life threatening illness the supreme understanding still lies within us, the survivors.  I think God gives Breast Cancer to special women, there is some calling in the universe for us and those around us to learn something, one of those lessons that brings you to the next platform in your life.  I believe each and every survivor has a mission some big some small but all of equal value.  The next time you say I’ll do that next year remember there are 365 days in one year, and not one of them is promised to any of us!

It’s A New Season

As fall soon approaches I am gearing up for some awesome blogs via The Busted Foundation.  As my last blogs were of my journey I have decided that wasn’t what I’m supposed to blog about.  This summer I took time to reflect and think about how I could make the blogs better and blogging my journey is not on the menu.  I too have issues I still have to deal with since my Breast Cancer and to blog my journey is like a black tunnel for me (I’m not ready)!  I think my gift is to bring awareness to the feelings of what the woman is going through, to touch the things that hurt our core whether big or small and there are many.  I often step on toes in my blogs and it’s never to hurt anyone,  it’s to share,  to be able to educate the people that have to walk the journey with us.  I blog to validate the many feelings of the women battling this terrible disease because I am their voice.  I blog for our children because they never signed up for this!  But most importantly I blog for God because he tells me so … I love each and every one of my sisters that have had to take this journey … we all share a bond forever on this earth.