A Purpose For The Pain

I  have this question always lurking in the back of my mind, when will my life go back to the way it was?  I know realistically that isn’t going to happen yet everyday my mind starts going over things, things I could have done differently, what if,  you know the typical thoughts any Breast Cancer survivor has, everyday.  Yes I said everyday, at least for me so far.  Why is it so difficult to accept that things are never going to be the same?  What does it take to see beyond that damning thought of going back to life the way it was before cancer? I’m not there yet… The fact that  I brought pain and unhappiness to people I care about is so disturbing to me.  To think that I brought black to anyone’s life is a terribly ugly thought to process in my brain,  doesn’t matter that it wasn’t on purpose, I still own it.   I know it’s just another hurdle the Breast Cancer brings with it and so I want to acknowledge it, like I acknowledge everything related to Breast Cancer  in the hopes that someday it will go away.  In the meantime to all of the people in my life that have been hurt and crippled from my Breast Cancer, I am sorry.  I know each person I have hurt, and the specific pain I have caused them.  I will carry this with me forever and I can tell you the pain I’ve caused is by far greater than any pain I have felt due to the Breast Cancer.  And so everyday I ask God to use me to change the world of Breast Cancer,  I ask Him to give me a greater purpose than the pain Breast Cancer has caused me, so at the very least, on some small note I might change a little piece of the world before it’s time for me to leave.